Every year, like clockwork, the same absurd debate resurfaces: the so-called “War on Christmas.” It’s a manufactured conflict over something as simple as how we greet one another in December. “Happy Holidays” is considered an attack on Christmas. “Merry Christmas” is seen as an insult to inclusivity. It’s a ridiculous, predictable cycle. But this year, there’s a way out. We can end the nonsense—and confuse the hell out of conservatives in the process.

How? By doing something they’ll never see coming: say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays—and mean both. Not because we’re backing down or conceding anything, but because it’s the most efficient way to declare peace on this fake war. And trust me, it will leave the outrage crowd utterly baffled.

Two Simple Greetings, One Powerful Move

Here’s the deal: “Happy Holidays” isn’t a slight against Christmas. It’s an inclusive greeting that acknowledges the diverse celebrations of this time of year. And “Merry Christmas” isn’t a rejection of diversity; it’s simply a nod to a widely practiced tradition. Saying both isn’t just harmless; it’s a brilliant strategic move. It robs the outrage merchants of their favorite talking point. They’ve been stirring this fake conflict for years, but when you effortlessly switch between “Merry Christmas” and “Happy Holidays,” you take the wind right out of their sails.

They won’t know what hit them. Because you’re doing the one thing they can’t argue against: nothing. You’re not picking sides. You’re just spreading good cheer. You’re embracing the best of both worlds—and doing so with such casual confidence that they won’t know whether to cry foul or start a new campaign. It’s an intellectual body slam.

The Fake War: A Distraction, Not a Cause

Let’s be real for a second: the so-called War on Christmas has never been about the holiday itself. It’s a cheap, divisive tactic. It’s what people like Bill O'Reilly and his ilk peddle because outrage sells. It’s not about defending Christmas; it’s about distracting from real issues. By getting us to fight over something as petty as greetings, they keep us from focusing on what really matters—poverty, climate change, inequality, you name it.

The beauty of saying both greetings? You turn the tables. You’re not playing into their hands. You’re showing that Christmas is not some fragile institution under siege. And the cherry on top? They’ll be left sputtering. They’ll argue, but they won’t know how to respond because you’ve already defused their whole narrative. By refusing to pick a side, you’ve exposed the farce.

A Season for Goodwill and Utter Confusion

This is about more than just words—it’s about shifting the conversation entirely. By saying “Merry Christmas” to those who celebrate it and “Happy Holidays” to those who don’t, you’re making a quiet yet powerful statement of peace. You’re declaring that this season isn’t about ideological divides; it’s about unity, generosity, and joy.

So, let’s get one thing straight: saying both doesn’t water down your values. It amplifies them. You’re not compromising. You’re showing that you respect everyone’s right to celebrate the season in their own way. And in doing so, you’re forcing the conservatives to reevaluate their entire outrage machine. Because now, when they say “Why aren’t you fighting the War on Christmas?” you can calmly respond, “Because there isn’t one.”

Declare Peace and Let the Outrage Machine Explode

This year, let’s make one thing clear: we’re not going to play the game. We’re going to declare peace on the so-called War on Christmas. We’ll wish everyone “Merry Christmas” when appropriate and “Happy Holidays” when it fits. We’ll do it with a smile, with kindness, and with the absolute confidence that we’re driving conservatives mad by simply refusing to engage in their phony conflict.

And when they try to turn up the heat, let them. We’ll be too busy enjoying the season and confusing the hell out of them to notice. Peace on Earth and goodwill to all? Not only does that sound great, but it also happens to be the ultimate way to leave the outrage crowd scratching their heads.